They Still Like Movies in Chicago.
‘3 Days to Kill’: Wait, what just happened?
By RICHARD ROEPER Movie Columnist February
20, 2014 2:04PM
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http://www.suntimes.com/entertainment/movies/25680921-421/3-days-to-kill-wait-what-just-happened.html
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Ethan Renner (Kevin Costner) is an
absentee father to Zoey (Hailee Steinfeld), trying to make up for lost time by
teaching her how to ride a bicycle, in Paris, in “3 Days to Kill.” | Relativity
Media
‘3 DAYS TO KILL’ ★★★
Ethan Renner Kevin Costner
Zooey Renner Hailee Steinfeld
Vivi Delay Amber Heard
Christine Renner Connie Nielsen
Relativity Media presents a film
directed by McG and written by Luc Besson and Adi Hasak. Running time: 117
minutes. Rated PG-13 (for intense sequences of violence and action, some
sensuality and language). Opens Friday at local theaters.
Wow, that was so bad it was pretty
great. The term Guilty Pleasure was invented for this kind of movie.
Nearly every other scene in “3 Days
to Kill” is so audaciously terrible, you don’t know whether to cringe or
chortle.
Time and again in this movie, I saw
things I don’t think I’d ever seen before on the big screen. Just a few
examples:
◆
A father teaching his 16-year-old daughter to ride a purple bicycle in a
Parisian plaza, as the locals look on and offer encouragement and applause.
◆
A multi-generational family of wise and kind squatters that has taken over an
empty apartment and seem to have the means to paint the place, redecorate and
cook wonderful, candle-lit dinners as they wait for one of their own to give
birth. I almost expected three wise men to show up when the child was born.
◆
An assassin telling one of his marks he’s not going to kill him “because you’re
the father that knows best.” That’s not a code. The mark is actually the father
of twin teenage daughters that dress identically.
◆
A brief phone call in which one spy says to another, “The Albino is staying at
the Grand Hotel.” How great is that!
Oh, and there’s also a reprise of
one of Kevin Costner’s most iconic film moments from 20 years ago. Let’s just
say they should have cued the Whitney Houston music.
What’s that? Story? OK, let’s give
it a shot.
Kevin Costner, who has a weighty,
old-school, movie star presence whether he’s in a quality film or a piece of
schlock, is all grizzled and gruff as Ethan Renner, the obligatory aging CIA
hit man who can “clean” a room filled with henchmen half his age without
working up a sweat. When Ethan learns he has just a few months to live, he bids
adieu to the agency and heads to Paris to reconnect with his estranged wife,
Christine (Connie Nielsen), and his 16-year-old daughter, Zoey (Hailee
Steinfeld), whom he hasn’t seen in about a half-dozen years.
Ah, the old “I was never around”
secret agent rescue fantasy plotline!
Sporting a number of S/M outfits
more befitting a soft-core dominatrix model than a high-level CIA operative,
Amber Heard’s Vivi Delay — you heard me, Vivi Delay — tells Ethan she can give
him doses of a magic, experimental medication that could prolong his life. All
Ethan has to do is agree to kill a couple of notorious bad guys known as The
Wolf and The Albino, and Vivi Delay — you heard me, Vivi Delay — will give
Ethan $50,000, a $1 million life insurance policy and regular doses of that
experimental medication, which by the way creates terrible side effects that
leave Ethan bleeding from the nose, hallucinating and collapsing at all the
wrong times.
Given that Vivi has Grand Prix-level
driving skills, is a skilled shot and seems to know every move the Wolf and the
Albino make, it’s not entirely clear why she needs Ethan at all, but who cares,
it’s terrific fun watching Ethan pursue his targets while trying to bond with
his rebellious daughter. Hey, if you’re about to torture a Sicilian-born
accountant named Guido while you’re on the phone with your kid as she’s
fretting about not knowing how to cook a meal for her boyfriend, why NOT put
Guido the Sicilian Accountant on the phone so he can share his mama’s secret
recipe?
This is the kind of inspired lunacy
that makes “3 Days to Kill” such a zany treat. Costner plays Ethan as a kind of
Eastwoodian straight man who has fallen through the rabbit hole and is
navigating his way through one insanely surreal adventure after another,
whether he’s rescuing his daughter from three predators in the bathroom at a
rave; torturing a victim by duct-taping his hairy armpits and then letting it
rip; taking time out to attend a principal-parent conference at the school;
engaging in broad-daylight shootouts that you’d think would attract the
attention of the French authorities; or selecting Bread’s “Make It With You” as
the musical choice when teaching his daughter how to dance. You’ll not likely
see a film with more mind-boggling moments than this one.
Some of this lunacy no doubt comes
from co-writer Luc Besson, who has been a major contributing force to “The
Professional,” “The Fifth Element” and the “Taken” and “Transporter”
franchises. The director known as McG (“Charlie’s Angels,” “Terminator:
Salvation”) is not one for subtlety, whether he’s coming up with new ways to
kill someone (this is one of the more violent PG-13 films you’ll ever see) or
reaching for your heart, and he goes full-throttle here.
But without Costner’s movie star
equity, this thing could have fallen apart in the first 30 minutes. He keeps us
involved, even as we’re thinking: Wait, WHAT just happened?
On an analytical level, I knew this
movie was nothing but snazzy trash, but I cannot deny I was thoroughly
entertained.
Email: rroeper@suntimes.com
We did not take a camera yesterday. This is from the internet. From now on, guests get to take the Fiscalini Bluff Trail. Our cat's name is Scalini so just think of Fi before it and you can spell Fiscalini.
